11 Things Apple Should Announce on Friday (but probably won't)

July 15, 2010: 12:55 PM ET

Many analysts are handicapping what Jobs will say on Friday, (see Phil Elmer-DeWitt at Fortune's Apple 2.0 blog on Piper Jaffray's predictions). Here's some things he won't.

Handing out Gloves to every iPhone 4 buyer. Fashion meets function. Not only is the antenna problem solved, it bestows upon those bleeding-edge Apple fans an immediate Michael Jackson swagger. Your pick, left or right, but you only get one and it's black.

Free Apple TVs for all comers. Apple can't sell them anyway, so why not distract everyone from this iPhone business with a free device that nobody wants.

Bringing Back Garamond. Garamond was the king of fonts beginnng with the original Mac. It was dismissed like a misbehaving school child in the early iPod days. Bringing it back in a big way would confuse Apple fanboys so thoroughly they won't notice they are wearing a glove.

Apple super designer Jonathan Ive will come to your house and teach you how to use the new iPhone. But only if it is an early-century modern designed by Richard Neutra or Rudolph Schindler.

There will be a Dylan concert followed by Phish show. Everyone gets glow sticks with "Android is for Losers" emblazoned on them.

Steve is retiring. Jobs announces he's fed up with making cool devices. He's moving to Marin County to become a cheese maker.

Please Turn Your Attention to the Fellow with the Twirling Pocket Watch. You do not need good reception. Good reception is overrated. One or two bars are plenty. When you wake up you will be happy with your new iPhone, and have a desire to buy a 3G iPad with as much memory as it can handle.

Secrecy is out. Apple is becoming an open shop. Public tours of our top-secret R&D labs will be every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 5. Prototypes of all kinds of devices will be scattered at bars every weekend. Why should you wait to see what we have planned years down the road? Come and see it today.

Blame it on AT&T. All problems are AT&T's fault.

Blame it on Adobe. It's that crappy Flash of theirs.

We're Sorry. We screwed up. Here's your money back. You can keep the glove.

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Michael Copeland
Michael Copeland

Michael V. Copeland joined FORTUNE as a senior writer in September 2007. Copeland has covered everything from electric cars to e-readers. He is a creator of Tech Mate, an irreverent video series in which he debates (and skewers) digital issues of the day. Before joining FORTUNE, Copeland was a senior writer at Business 2.0. Copeland graduated from the University of Pennsylvania.

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